Second Chances

Cluster of bulbs in the darkness, some brighter than others, a little like how we are when it comes to second chances

For all the times I'd secretly asked God why things turned out the way they did, I had shamelessly overlooked the fact that I have, in fact, led a very blessed life.

Every cloud has its silver lining. Things happen for a reason. God loves you, that's why He wants you to go through this; He's putting you to test.

Bullshit, I said. It's a whole load of bull that people feed me to poison my mind into thinking that I have everything going for me and I should be thankful for everything that I have.

Now, looking back at all that had happened in the past 2 months, I began to see some truth in their words. Everything did happen for a reason. And God did love me. I would bet an arm and a leg to say that He still does. As for the silver lining, well, it's there alright. I guess I just didn't see it when I was too blinded by anger and sinking deeper into depression.

I did a quick review on my life for the past 2 months, and I realized that I had been given many, many second chances. And that was enough to make me know that I am lucky, and that I do lead a blessed life. I don't know how many people can claim that they've been given a second chance, and I don't know how many people out there can never claim that they'd been given a second chance.

Me, I fall under the former category.

You guys reading this, thank you for the second chance. And thank you, too, to all those who aren't reading this. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for those second chances you gave me.

A Taste of Heaven

A piece of heaven on our tainted earth

25th October 2004,

My appreciation for beauty is heightened by the sight of the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen in my entire life.

Yes, that was real. And yes, it was Elaine's trusty Fuji Finepix that photographed it. Yes, it was Elaine who photographed it, in case anyone is doubting the origins of something so raw, so defined, and so...unearthly.

5.38pm we first caught sight of it on the highway. It seemed as if we were playing a peekaboo game with sunset. Dodge some trees, drive past some buildings, through the city smog and dust from the construction site, we wanted so badly to capture it on camera.

5.45pm we went up all of 26 floors of a condominium to watch the sunset.

5.46pm Beautiful. Breathtakingly beautiful.

I felt happy then. Contented, just being there, looking up at the sky. The tumultous storm that was raging inside me for the past few weeks subsided. Calm.

21

21 is the century I live in, the age of convenience and technology. 21 is the years I've lived, 21 is the number of days I struggle to get by. 21, my time as a student is up, 21 the "legal" age. 21, the year I've loved with all I had, and 21 it is that I've lost.

21 centuries man walked on earth in a civilized manner, 21 years since my family named me Joy. 21 days I try to smile and live up to my name, 21 hours in seven parts of the 24 that makes up a day. 21 minutes gone by as I sit here remembering the meaning of my very own name. 21 seconds I ponder over time, existence, love, friendship, family, beauty and me.

21 is the number of centuries, years, hours, minutes and seconds ticking by. 21 I am, and 21 I will not be soon.

Sometimes 21 feels like forever, sometimes 21 feels like it's only yesterday that I started at zero.

Today, 21 feels like an eternity, if I even know how long eternity is.

She Will Be Loved

She will be loved, Maroon 5 sings.

I smile to myself. Yes, she will, she already is.

She will be loved.

I wish I could be anywhere else but here 

Not Here

Today's probably one of those days when I'm being morbidly silly. One of those days when I wonder what the world would be like without my existence. A little like It's a Wonderful Life, but mostly not.

It's difficult to explain why exactly I feel what I feel. All I know is that I just do. It's not like I wanted to kill myself or anything drastic like that, but there are the days when I just wanted to disappear, cease to exist, be anywhere else but here.

Anywhere else but here.

There are the days when I'm so tired of being me, tired of what's going on around me, tired of everything. And I wondered if time could somehow let me slip through it, let me hide in between its parallel universes for just a while, till things get better.

No. It will never happen.

So today I sighed to myself. My heart weary with an unspoken burden, my mind boggled with all things worldly, a heavy sigh escaped my lips.

This is the time when I wish tears would wash away the nausea and pain. This is the time when I wish all my troubles and heartache would be eased with a sigh. This is the time when all I want is to hide away, the time when I wish I was anywhere else but here.

My Notebook

Last night, a friend whom I've been chatting with for a couple of years but have never met told me about starting a new project.

"Get a notebook, a small one would do. Each day, write about the things that made you smile. Nothing fantastic, just random stuff. And beside it, write a positive attribute for it. Like, "heartwarming, funny, pretty...you know, stuff like that. Do it for about a month or so, and you'll start to see with your heart and understand life a little better."

That made a lot of sense to me. Even before I got that notebook, I could start ticking off the things that happened during the course of the day that made me smile. Not one, not two, not only three. Plenty.

I thought of the journey to SPCA with Elaine and how we went on a wild goose chase. A few wrong turns, a couple of detours, a stop to ask for directions, we were finally there. That was FUN.

And then when we finally got there, I was truly amazed at the number of cats and dogs they had there. Nice-looking ones, mind you. Puppies, teenage dogs, adult dogs, sick dogs, pregnant dogs, kittens, furry fat cats, cats in the maternity ward, wounded cats...all shapes, colors and sizes. I felt this warm bubbly feeling inside me looking at all these animals. And that was HEARTWARMING.

Come night time, I attended my godson's first birthday party. He's such a darling that it's difficult not to fall in love with him. The feeling of having such a small human being close to me, so pure, so innocent, is, well, indescribable. I felt a kind of happiness in me that only babies and small children can give. I was honestly just HAPPY.

Seeing my friend heavily pregnant with another child, I rested one hand on her belly and I was pleasantly surprised by the slight movements made by the baby inside. I grinned from ear to ear. I couldn't speak and I couldn't even think. It felt like such a miracle to know that a tiny being is growing inside, and it will be here in my arms in practically no time at all. I knew I loved it already. Standing there with my hand still on her belly, it felt WONDERFUL.

I knew then that my notebook would be full in no time. Full of little things that would make me smile to myself, little things that made me happy, little things that only I would understand.

Me

Me.

I hate being me.

Everyday of my life.

Why?

Too many reasons, too many excuses.

I can't remember the last time I woke up not hating myself. Why, you question, why do you hate yourself?

You're lucky to be alive.

I know. But on most days, it just doesn't feel that way. It feels like...I don't know, honestly. It feels bad. It feels horrible being me.

Looking in the mirror the other day, my fingers reached for a lock of hair that strayed down my shoulder. And I wondered if it was too short. I wondered if it was too untidy. I wondered if it was too...ugly. My fingertips then touched my cheek slightly. Too chubby, I said to myself. Too haggard, too sallow, too ugly. Taking a step further away from my own reflection, I looked at the girl staring back at me. Me.

Who is she?

I don't know. She stares back at me, unsmiling, unhappy. She was a stranger in my eyes. She was a stranger in my heart, alien to my mind. She was soulless, she was afraid, she was lost. Who is she?

I looked beyond the face, and I looked past the hair. I searched deep within myself, and I realized I couldn't find her anymore. A desperate sob escaped my lips, and I knew then that it's not her that I couldn't find. It's me.

Where is she?

I don't know. Where did she go? Where did I go?

I dug deeper. And deeper. And there she is.

She's afraid, she's lonely, she's tired and she's lost. I saw her crouched within herself, hidden by the shadows of the wall built of pain and tears. She looks up at me. She stares hollowly.

I'm not beautiful. I'm not smart. I'm not perfect. I don't love me.

Then I saw a tear trickle down her cheek, slowly. Somewhere inside, it feels strangely empty. The cavity where my heart belonged began to ache. I knew it was bleeding from a cut. The one swift cut that tore it out.

I don't love me. Do you?

No, I said. No, I don't love you anymore. You're different.

And then she began to cry. I wanted to tell her that everything will be alright at the very end. I wanted her to know that I can't love her like this. I wanted to make the pain go away.

But still she looked back at me, tears glistening in her eyes. It wasn't her that I knew anymore. And it wasn't her that I loved.

I stared back at her.

Tomorrow, I shall wear a mask. I shall wear my plastic smile. I will not let her feel hurt again. I will not let the world see her like this.

I will not be me.

Strong

There are some people I know who are simply wonderful inside out. Nice, thoughtful people who make great friends, people who teach me life's lessons...

But somehow, it saddens me that the worst happens to the very same people. Honestly, nice people should never have to go through what they went through.

In a nutshell, their experiences to me are like taking a trip to hell, having a holiday there, coming back for a breather, and then going back to hell again. I practically live in Disneyland compared to them.

For all the shit that they put up with, I'm surprised at how strong they are. It makes me wonder where their inner strength came from, to be able to overcome the stuff that would make me crumble in an instant. They hold their heads up high, and they pick themselves up, dust their knees and move on.

Sometimes, looking at them, knowing that they're the wonderful people they are despite all that happened, I would take a longer look at them, wondering what they were thinking.

I never did get an answer to that, but I would silently salute them for the strength they had to move on.

Yes, I nodded. They are strong.

The Lainey and me during one of our sillier days. Courtesy of the Lainey's Fuji Finepix digital camera. 

Therapy Bag

The Lainey gave me a therapy bag today. Lainey style~~

And what's a therapy bag?

I found a delicious lip-smacking cherry-vanilla flavored lip gloss, a photo frame decorated with strips of gauze ribbons and sparkly sequins, and a few vanilla scented tealight candles in the therapy bag the Lainey handed me.

That was my therapy bag.

There's absolutely no relevance to what I actually need at the moment (which is probably a good slap across my face), but honestly, honestly, it's the thought that really counted. Things are just...well...things. It's the fact that she had me in mind, that she cared about me, that she took the trouble and time out to make me a therapy bag, that really mattered.

Prior to that, she spent hours on the phone with me late at night, just to make sure that I was alright and moving in the right direction. She sent me little SMS messages telling me to be strong, expressing her confidence in me, and basically, little messages to just cheer me up.

Tonight, she came over on a rescue mission.

Her mission was to let me bitch and vent my anger and make me feel better.

Yes, she's very sweet. Yes, she's very nice. Yes, she's very thoughtful. And yes, she handed me the therapy bag as soon as I plonked into the passenger's seat.

I felt better already.

As I sat there in her car, I was happy that I'm blessed with friends like the Lainey, friends like her who cared, friends like her who bothered. I was thankful for the patience she had with me and above all, I was thankful she's there.

I knew then that the best things in life are free.